The Ultimate Collection of Handpicked Family Jokes to Make You Smile

Laughter is the glue that holds families together, and what better way to bond than with a collection of jokes everyone can enjoy? From cheeky puns to laugh-out-loud one-liners, this ultimate compilation of family-friendly humor is guaranteed to brighten your day.

Whether you’re sharing these over dinner, on a long road trip, or during a lazy Sunday at home, these handpicked gems are perfect for all ages.

So, get ready to smile, giggle, and maybe even groan!

The Note Under the Bed

In any marriage, there are bound to be moments of frustration, especially when one spouse feels taken for granted. This joke takes that scenario to the extreme, as a wife decides to teach her husband a lesson with a note — only to find herself caught off guard by his response.

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband came home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he entered the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone… Yeah, I know, about time, right? I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie. I love you… Can’t wait to see you… We’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

“I can see your feet. We’re out of bread: be back in five minutes.”

The Mischievous Grandmas on a Bench

Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside of their nursing home, laughing their heads off like giggling girls.

“Now, now, ladies,” a nurse said, walking past them. “You need to get your sunshine time before tea. And behave!”

Her words only set them off again. Soon, they spotted an old man walking by and decided to have a bit of fun with him.

“We bet we can tell exactly how old you are,” one of the grandmas yelled out at him.

The old man scoffed.

“There’s no way that you can guess it, you three old fools.”

“Sure we can!” another grandma insisted. “Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age!”

“What?” he exclaimed.

Embarrassed but intrigued, the old man dropped his pants, the sunlight shining on his bottom.

The grandmas stared and whispered among themselves. And then said in unison, “You’re 91 years old!”

“How in the world did you guess?” the old man asked, shocked.

The grandmas snickered and replied,

“Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!” one grandma said as the other two collapsed into giggles again.

Refrigerator Mayhem

Suspicious of his wife’s fidelity, a man came home early and tore through the house, searching for evidence. He glanced out the window and spotted a man sitting in a Volkswagen.

Enraged, he picked up the refrigerator and hurled it out the window at the unsuspecting stranger, then had a heart attack and died.

In heaven, St. Peter listened to his story and sent him straight to hell.

Moments later, the man from the Volkswagen appeared, explaining he was minding his own business when a fridge crushed him.

St. Peter shook his head and sent him to hell, too.

Finally, a third man arrived, trembling, and said, “I don’t even know what happened. One moment, I was hiding inside a fridge…”

The Pharmacist’s Explanation

Sometimes, what starts as a simple misunderstanding can escalate quickly, leading to confrontations. This joke humorously highlights how a situation can spiral out of control when assumptions are made — until the truth comes out, leaving everyone in stitches.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone!”

Angrily, the husband drove down to the chemist to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. However, before he could say a word, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.”

“I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. By the time I opened up, there was already a crowd waiting. All the while, the phone kept ringing off the hook.”

“Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make the change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins; the phone was still ringing.

When I stood up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase full of perfume bottles. Believe it or not, all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing and would not let up, and I finally got to answer it.”

“It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer and believe me, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

Dear Old George’s Annual Check-Up

Without fail, George went for his annual check-up every year. He prided himself on staying fit and healthy by going on walks in the neighborhood, though age had taken its toll on his eyesight.

After his check-up, George sat and chattered with his doctor, proudly telling Dr. Stephens about his latest discovery.

“Doc, I’m blessed,” he said. “God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”

The doctor chuckled, but a nagging curiosity led him to call George’s wife later that day.

“Maria,” he said. “Your husband’s test results are just fine. But he said something strange! He claims that God turns the lights on and off for him when he uses the bathroom at night.”

George’s wife laughed out loud.

“That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again! I thought it was the dog!”

The Forgetful Lunch Date

During a road trip, an older couple stopped for lunch at a cozy roadside diner. After enjoying their meal, they returned to the car and hit the road.

About 40 minutes later, the wife gasped, realizing she had left her glasses on the table.

To make matters worse, it took them ages to find a place to turn around.

The husband grumbled and complained the entire way back, his frustration making the journey unbearable.

Finally, they arrived at the diner.

Just as she was stepping out of the car, her husband called after her, “While you’re in there, grab my hat and the credit card too!”

The Family Secret

Family secrets can sometimes be shocking, but they also make for some of the funniest and most unexpected stories. In this joke, a young man’s excitement about his upcoming marriage takes a surprising turn when his father reveals some startling information, leading to an even more hilarious twist.

One Sunday morning, George burst into the living room and proclaimed, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away, and her name is Susan.”

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside and said, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mom, George. She and I have been married for 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

George was heartbroken. After eight months, he eventually started dating girls again. A year later, he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”

Again, his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half-sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.”

His mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

Grandpa Turns 100!

At Grandpa’s 100th birthday celebration, everyone marveled at how athletic and lean he looked.

“What’s your secret, Derek?” a guest asked.

“I’ll tell you,” Grandpa said, taking a forkful of cake. “I’ve been in the open air, day after day for some 75 years now.”

The crowd gasped.

“How did you keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?” someone asked.

“Well,” Grandpa began with a twinkle in his eye as he looked to Gran. “My wife and I made a pledge on our wedding night. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was wrong would go outside and take a walk!”

Horse Races and Hilarious Misunderstandings

A peaceful morning turned chaotic when a man felt a sudden smack on the back of his head.

His wife was holding a slip of paper with the name “Mary” scrawled on it.

“What’s this about?” she demanded.

“Darling,” he stammered, “Mary was the name of the horse I bet on last week at the races!”

She apologized and kissed him on the cheek. But just a few days later, she stormed into the room and slapped him across the face.

“What now?” he groaned.

“Your horse just called,” she replied icily.